Money is ever elusive sometimes. Not that money buys happiness by any means, I used to walk to the liquor store next to our apartment when I was like 6 or 7 to use change, all we had, to buy a few cans of vegetables to eat. But my mother had love for us and we played with empty boxes and garbage bags with imaginations the size of Walt Disney's himself. But lack of money can cause suffering and depression. And unfortunately that's kinda where we're at now and I can't wait to get home and begin changing this.
I'm getting sick again. I'm handling it pretty well but at least once a week my body expels any food I've put into it in the last 6 hours. It's not a flu bug because I don't feel extremely nauseous, no fever (that I know of), nothing but my normal body aches. But I know from dealing with this for the past 5+ years that when the infection in my gastrointestinal tract is running rampant by stomach, colon, small intestines doesn't want to take the effort to digest the food. So it comes up when it hits first base. My pain is getting to the point where I'm having trouble sleeping some nights. And even though I'm on anti-anxiety medication and a mood stabilizer I'm still feeling overwhelmed and under stimulated. I can't even focus on school long enough to write a paper like I used to. I cannot wait to get home because at least in California I have a chance to see a doctor. Where here it has to be an 'emergency' before I can see anyone. And ironically throwing up once a week with no other symptoms just isn't emergency enough.
If we had the money available I could at least try for private health care. Some companies are taking pre-existing conditions now.....
Bills are being paid when necessary instead of when the bill comes. A TECO truck (our electricity provider in Florida) drove by this morning and my heart skipped a beat because we are past due there. So far everything looks okay cause I'm still here virtually connected to cyber-world. But I shouldn't have to worry about that.
My phone has special saved contacts for creditors. And my new Eris Droid has a setting where I can send calls straight to voice mail so it doesn't bother me (except for checking my message). And bankruptcy is in my near future. I have over $25,000 worth of hospital bills right now. I also have $60,000 worth of school bills. And I'm in the process of trying to obtain disability. I won't be able to handle both of those burdens and still survive in this world and I can't do anything about the school one! So I pay what I can when I can, throw everything into BK when I do, and start over. So maybe I'll never be able to buy a house unless I have 50-60% down, who needs to own their own home anyway?
There are definite positives happening too. Adrian and I both agree we need a house for the animals. No yard is not acceptable. I had a dream last night that I woke up and our front room was practically flooded with urine. Dream Moods says that means I have feelings of rejection. On the flip side Dream Net states urine may represent the feelings that you reject. You are trying to cleanse yourself of the things that you consider unworthy. Mystically urine has for centuries been regarded as a protection against ghosts and evil spirits. So I am feeling rejected or I am rejecting what I see as unworthy? Although I believe dreams have meaning these two are so conflicting I'm not sure what to believe. I do know having a house with a yard for puppies to do their business is going to help my stress level. Perhaps the dream was just a reminder of that.
Adrian and I also pretty much align when it comes to how to raise our children when we have them. I think it's so important to talk about these things before hand instead of arguing about it once your children are here. I love kids and I've always wanted one or two of my own. It's comforting to know that when we do decide to get pregnant we are on the same page with virtually everything.
The wedding is also coming along well. I am sending out the deposit for the ceremony site and the application today. I have my wedding dress and my friend will be altering it for me to make it my own. We have about 90% of the invite addresses so once the date is confirmed with Parks and Rec I can start making and sending out invitations. We have our registry and gift information in line. Both of our mothers are more than willing to help wherever possible and we have amazing friends who have stepped in to help as well. It's looking like it's going to be a great night and every day it becomes more real and we joke with each other.... "We're really doing this!"
So for all the negatives I have at least one positive to counter it with. If I can hold onto my champagne wishes and caviar dreams perhaps I can actually get there.
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