Being Sick Disrupts My Life

The ER trip last night ranks up there with some of the worst. Oh the worst is still the first one; the 18 hour ER trip that I had to do pretty much alone. But last night was pretty close. The hospital looked like a hotel from the outside. Light and palm trees. They valet park your car for you so that you can go straight into the ER. Nice step huh? The troubles didn't start until we were inside the doors....

Tampa General Hospital (shown above) really was trying to be a different hospital. They offered me a wheelchair right inside the door. Of course I'm tough so save it for the guy who might come in in an hour who got run over my a motorcycle.

I filled out the entrance paperwork; name, DOB, SSN, reason for visit - all very standard. Under reason I put "severe abdominal pain". The woman behind the nurse said something to the affect of "have you had these tummy issues before?" to which I responded "I have Crohn's." She said that when someone puts 'severe' they've usually dealt with something chronic. Okay... at least she's paying attention. Then she tells the nurse inputting my information to, instead of putting severe abdominal pain, to just put Crohn's flare up.

This is the beginning of the end. Once they think they know what's wrong with you it generally turns to a bad visit. I told her the pains were more sever than typical Crohn's pain. But of course she's not listening at this point. She enters all my information and I'm directed to the waiting room. I'm triaged pretty quickly and, although all my vitals seem to be okay, the nurse has me in as an "actual 3-Urgent." Each ER will label the incoming at triage. This gives them a real idea of what the emergency is. Now, either she really thought I was urgent or she changed the number once I left the room. I thought there was still a chance but 4 hours later I'm still sitting there... waiting...

I noticed this was a trauma hospital before we got in. UC Davis is a trauma hospital, and it's also where my 18 hour trip was. So I was fearful but my last trip I was treated like a child who wasn't taking my vitamins so we had to try something different. I ended up, between the pain and the discouragement of knowing they probably couldn't do much, if anything, for me, just going home.

I've got a paper to finish today. I've got a house to clean and puppies that need outside time. I've got a move to plan and get excited about amongst many other things that need to be done. Being sick is just a big disruption in my life. I wish I could just take it all back and be normal. But the best I can hope for is holding on til I get home where I can get my medication and be my form of normal. So I'm back to holding on and holding out.

California here we come.....

Some Cheese with that Whine??

The pain's back.

I feel like all I do lately is complain. I don't know why. I'm on my mood stabilizers and I am super excited about moving. I guess it's just hard because nothing is set in stone yet. I got a call from my lawyers last week. New phone update means I didn't have the number programmed so I just got the message. Another invoice for $13 for my own medical records is on it's way to me. So far I've paid close to $100 for MY OWN records. That just doesn't make sense to me. AND I seem to be paying less than a friend who is requesting them on her own. So lawyers get a discount?? I don't get it. But I don't really have a choice in the matter. If I'm going to get disability or ANY help I need to have these. Not to mention the fact that Binder & Binder has been working on this for over a year and I've gotten nothing really. That frustrates me.

The pups are getting riled up I think. The moving of furniture and boxes really gets to them. I'm also pretty sure they can feel a change on the horizon. Even though I KNOW they'll be so much happier once we move it's still tough on them right now. And no matter how much Adrian and I *tell* them it will be better they don't really understand that right now. So they're acting out. Fighting with each other. Barking at anything. We have a small house so if you cook a lot of things in the kitchen it gets smoky. You don't even have to BURN anything for the fire alarm to go off. So it's happened a few times. That's lead to Koby barking anytime I'm in the kitchen. I could be putting dishes away but if he hears anything resembling cooking sounds he freaks. Good guard dog, bad for mommies nerves.

I'm probably looking at an ER trip in the next week if this pain doesn't knock it off. It's pretty bad this morning though it's gone from a hot poker feeling to more of an "alien crawling out of my abdomen" feeling. I don't know if that's good or not but it's different. My back is stiff as a board and I haven't been sleeping great. Yay for pain. I just want to be home. I know I whine about it a lot but there are so many positives waiting for me. I'm bored out of my mind and so is Adrian. Our funds are damn near non-existent right now so all we do is stay home and wait for Netflix to come. Which, if we could go out to dinner, hit a bar once in a while, do something outside the house, wouldn't be a big deal. We enjoy our movies and family time just as much as anyone else. But neither of us are "stay at home all the time" people. Both of us are spending way too much time inside our own house, mostly in our room, and we're getting depressed. I'm looking forward to a week in a car just for a change of scenery!

No news from unemployment yet. The next update isn't until Wednesday either because of the holiday. Watching our account dwindle while not having any idea when the next deposit is coming is more than scary. We're looking at loosing our phones for a week or so right now because we're just not sure how to pay it and we've put it off too many times. They won't put it off again. That frustrates me.

There's so much that needs to be done right now and I have so little control over anything it's ridiculous. Normally I'd just take the reins and make shit happen. It's not that easy right now because I have no control over anything. So I have to sit back and watch what unfolds and I'm not a great observer. Well I am but not when that's all I'm doing.

More television today. We have "Daybreakers" which is hopefully better than "Dear John." We're totally keeping up on homework so that's good. More of that today I'm sure, at least for me. I think  Adrian may be caught up on hers.

I'd just like to take the next step and be certain of that step when I set my foot on the ground. Whine, whine, whine I know. But I'm sick of the waiting game. I want to move forward.

The Final Chapter

I feel like we're entering our final chapter here in Florida. Things aren't completely finalized yet but we're looking at houses and picking dates and everything feels more "real" than when we've talked about moving before. I know I keep writing about how excited I am to move but really - I AM! My health is going downhill faster than a kid on a sled after the first snow and I want my family, friends, and shitty health care back. I don't know how much longer I can be on no medication without needing extensive surgery when I get back. I'm pushing along with my little steam engine in my head chanting "I think I can..."

The house is kinda in shambles. Of course it's going to be that way. I've started moving things for selling and packing. I need to get my hands on some boxes, which, in California, would have been a piece of cake. People posted ads on Craigslist all the time for them. I posted a wanted ad on Tampa: Freecycle and only got one reply to which she ended up falling through. I'll be posting again on Craigslist today and re-posting all our furniture to sell. The money from the furniture will help us float until loans come in. Getting the furniture out will give me more room to pack and stack boxes. The pups are gonna loose their minds but they'll get used to it. AND they get spoiled to hell while we're driving: happy meals, hotel rooms, filtered water.... they'll be fine once it all begins. But moving always seems to really upset the furry ones. And I'm not a big fan either so I understand their anxiety.

But this move is one I can't wait to make. So it should be much easier anxiety wise.

Today I am going to focus on getting some homework done. I'm faltering in my class because I just don't wanna. I'm like a high schooler the last semester of senior year. I have approximately 13 weeks to go until I'm done with my Masters and I just don't want to work anymore and it's showing. I also have a VERY strict teacher in this class so that makes it a bit more difficult. I will probably take a week or two off between my next class and my last one then I'm schedule to be done sometime in September. I need to decide soon what I'm going to do about school when that's over. I may teach part time with UOP. I didn't realize with my Masters I could teach. I think, unless I get my disability, that's going to be the easiest thing. UOP teachers make like $35 a year. It's not fantastic but it'll get us through. And I never have to leave home to do it.

Who knows? I have so many options right now and it's hard to think of any of them because I just want to get home.

I tell myself I'm just gonna write a quick blog/update. I don't know how to blog little. But then my bff told me yesterday "You don't do anything small do you?" (in reference to getting to Cali the beginning of July and getting married at the end of it). So I guess she's right, I don't do ANYTHING small.... not even blogging.

Here's to my final chapter. I'm thinking about getting a frog tattoo to commemorate my time here in Florida. We'll see if everything works out that way today. I'll post pictures if I get it.

Another Day Gone, Another Dollar Wasted

It's laundry day again. The day I've begun to loathe with every bone in my body. I put it off until the last minute because honestly then I can stuff as much as possible into the washers and hopefully save a bit of money. I'm guessing I'm looking at $15-$20 of laundry today. Money that would be much better spent in the gas tank or buying food but we really don't have a choice. Hauling all our unmentionables to the laundromat just to stand there in the sweltering heat for 4 hours is not my idea of a good day. I'd rather do two loads of laundry everyday than squeeze everything into one afternoon. I can't wait for our own washer and dryer.

Mom helped us out a bit with rent. Which is going to make things tight cause we have to pay her back immediately, but at least it gets our landlord off our back for a while. Hopefully everything will get cleared up and we can actually leave at the end of June. I'm getting a little frustrated though because the final steps that must be taken for us to get the go-ahead to move are beyond my control. And even the things "we" have control over "I" can't do anything about. I want to push and prod and bug until things are taken care of but it's not my place. As it stands we have 19 days to get everything in order and that's NOT enough time unless we are moving on it today. But I have no control over it.

I know Adrian is doing what she thinks she can do but I'm not sure we're pushing enough. It's not up to me to push though and when I bring it up to her she feels like I'm nagging her. Perhaps I am a bit but this is our future and my health here so I think nagging is not a bad thing.

I woke up last night with horrific pains. They were like baby gallstone pains. I was afraid they'd get that bad but they didn't. What scares me is that they were lower and on either side of my abdomen and reached through to my back. If it was stone pain but KIDNEY stones then WTF. So now I maybe have gallstones and kidney stones? That's great. A friend of mine recently had kidney stones and they said due to her medical condition she was more prone and because she drank a ton of iced tea that may have caused it. Well.... I drink a ton of tea. Of course I'm not a doctor and I can't diagnose myself but it was either kidney or Crohn's related but usually my Crohn's doesn't reach through to my back like that. But really who knows at this point. No meds for almost a year is bound to fuck something up inside you.

And this is why I nag. The longer I'm here the worse I potentially get. The longer I go without medication or pain control. And really, who knows what's going on inside me because no one here wants to touch me without insurance. I'm scared for my health but I have to push on because I can't just wallow in my pain. The house needs to be cleaned, the laundry needs to be done, and Adrian may have surgery before we leave so I really need to just bite the bullet and stick it out.

People say we'll get to California when we're meant to. I say I want to be there now. Can't we just compromise and make sure it happens next month?? I don't feel like that's too much to ask....

And the Waiting Game Ends.... Well at Least Part of it...

So I haven't really had much to report as of late. We've been hanging out at home because our finances don't really allow for much else. Even gas has become a concern lately so we are watching our every penny.

It's been over a month since either of us had income. I'm surprised we lasted this long. I have just enough in my bank account to pay my insurance this month and we have a little bit of cash on hand. We started selling things in the house partially because we're not taking them anyway but partially because we need the money. It was exciting to officially pack our first box though. Time to start Craigslisting for boxes as we're probably going to need them. It just makes us one step closer to picking that "get on the road" date. Hopefully that part of the waiting game is over soon.

I have my unemployment interview today. They put my money on hold, for a month now, because I quit my last employer. Now, multiple payroll checks had bounced, I'd been charged late fees at my bank and at my home because we couldn't pay rent on time, not to mention the whole place was a damn scam. SO I'm pretty sure everything will be fine, but this waiting has been killing us. And I just realized this morning because of the "go back 18 months come forward 12" way that unemployment figures their pay I'm probably going to be making less than I was before. But anything is better than nothing and *hopefully* we've only got another 2.5 weeks here or so. If I can just get that money in and we can float until we move we'll be okay.....

I'm nervous. Adrian hasn't been able to find a job here because the market is worse here than California. I know she'll find something good there! She's even applied to restaurants, fast food chains, and the local print shop and nothing.... So if something were to happen with my unemployment we wouldn't be able to float until we move. A big chunk of "what are we doing now" is resting on this interview. Hopefully I can get the interview person to at least give me an idea of whether I can expect the monies or not. Even if they pay me less, something is better than nothing at this point. And since they owe me for over a month it'll be two checks at once that will DEFINITELY help the process.

With the monies I'm owed from unemployment we have to pay rent and get invitations out. Supplies I'm thinking will be about $75. Postage is going to be around $20-30. So total my invites (I'm hoping) will only be about $200. That's because we have to pay $70 to get the ink refilled (which is better than the $160 for NEW ink - time for a new printer). I really want to get those out before we move. I also need to come up with another $145 for the ceremony spot by June 1 and I'm not sure if I'll be able to. Which reminds me, I need to call Sac Parks & Rec today and see what I can do about all that. So rent, parks & rec, and invites and we're looking at easily $1000. And that's if we pay nothing else.... so yea shit's tight right now.

So hopefully that wait will end today.... or at least I'll have a good idea on whether we need to panic or not. Then we move on to waiting for doctors appointments, emails, final steps, and financial aid. All the while I'll be packing here and there to make the final days easier. I'm hoping to find a trailer before loans come in but because of finances we may have to wait for that. Good news is because Adrian's loans got pushed back to middle of June we'll have more than enough to at least get home. We'll stay with my mama for a few weeks while we find a home and jobs.

I feel like I'm holding my breath more these days than ever before. I know getting to California will mean so many wonderful things for both of us and it seems so close now I can almost taste it. I guess part of me is still kinda waiting for that thing to hit that's gonna say *you're stuck in Florida! what made you think you could leave??* I'm trying not to focus on that because it's inherently negative and I need to be excited and get packing so we can get home.

So we keep playing our "I can't wait" game..... and I'm adding to my list "I can't wait until all this waiting is over."

Crispy

My big brother came into town. His sister-in-law had a time share that they were willing to use. They stated at the Holiday Inn Orange Lake Resort in Orlando. They were celebrating their ten year wedding anniversary!

So after they celebrated their anniversary we came up to spend the night with them. The resort they stayed at had everything on the grounds. There was even a Marketplace!! They had like six pools and three water slides AND a lazy river! Friday night we spent just playing in the lazy river and went down a few of the little slides. We at at the bar and grill at River Village (the pool with all the water slides). I had sushi and was completely happy! Saturday morning was check out so we got up a bit early. We loaded everything into the car and went back to River Village (even though you had to check out of the hotel you could stay on the property!). Jason and I rode the HIPPO for an hour. This thing is a blow up water slide, for starters. It is 146 feet tall and 30 steps up. All told we did ten runs in one hour. That's 300 steps and 1,460 feet!!!! My thighs are hurting today. But it was fun bonding time with my big bro.... something I'm not sure we've really done in the 8 or so years we've been back in each others lives. The rest of the day we played in the lazy river. It was just relaxing all around.

The trip back from Orlando was great. No traffic. AC is fixed so we weren't dying! We came home then went out to see Sista Otis at the Queens Head in St. Pete. It's a "eurobar" complete with beds outside. It's a great venue for her but I hate the wanna be light show they play behind her. It was a great turn out though and she was hammin' it up! Totally playing to the audience. I was happy to see so many people show up for her. Jason and Christina weren't huge fans of their food as it's European but they had fun nonetheless. We didn't stay for the whole show cause Adrian and I were burnt to a crisp. Poor Adrian could barely allow me to put aloe on her! We're both still pretty hot today so there will be nothing but t-shirts worn until the red goes away.

This week should be chill. Homework, maybe a tattoo sometime later on. We're just trying to breathe while we're still here, not get too anxious or excited, and plan the best we can. We should know about her loans and my unemployment this week so *fingers crossed* everything goes well our plans of leaving end of June should stick. I'm feeling positive about it.

Cali - here we come!

Homeward Bound!

So my eyes look like puffer fish from crying yesterday. Although it may have been stressful we've come to a few conclusions:

- take what we can get now because the fight is no where near over.
- get the FUCK to California where resources and support are much higher
- OMG We're actually getting married!!

K so we've been making plans for quite some time now but the fact that I got the contract from Sacramento Parks and Rec yesterday really made it real. Suzi is making my dress with parts of my mom's wedding dress which is just so special to me. Not to mention the dress we have in mind is to die for! We have the reception hall all set, though we still need to book that one, and Adrian's mom is hopefully helping out with that. Invites can now be made as the ceremony site is a for sure. Our plans of getting to Detroit to meet/party with her friends, the wedding, and finally getting back home actually feel attainable.

After a long conversation with our mother's yesterday (too cute they were on the phone together) we, well at least I, feel like I should start packing! We've probably got a good 4-6 weeks before we actually get on the road (maybe less) but there are things we won't use in those 4-6 weeks that could go in boxes now. I'm going sometime this week (hopefully) to refill our ink cartridges and get the necessary pieces for making the invitations. That will be fun and productive for me. I have templates made up so it's really just assembling them at this point. Now if a few things would just fall into place....

We're waiting for Adrian's school loans to get caught up on a few things at the house. I just re-mailed my Unemployment Claim Form so hopefully that doesn't stop that money cause that would really help right now. I know you're not supposed to quit a job when you're on unemployment but my payroll checks were bouncing, the owner was stealing money from the company, he's a big fat felon, and the whole thing was just a scam. I'm hoping since I quit for good reason my unemployment will continue. Once we know we have that and Adrian's loans we're set! Packing shall commence at that point.

Thank god for Craigslist cause buying actual packing supplies can be a task in and of itself. But people give away boxes all the time! We're also going to try to find a trailer to buy cheep that we can re-sell in California. From what I see on Craigslist that may take a bit of time but I know it's doable. Stay with friends in Detroit, get the California and stay with my mom for a few weeks (YAY!) then we'll have a home to move into in Sacramento.

Being with my mom for a few weeks puts me a bit further from Sacramento than I want to be. BUT it gives me some good family, grounding time when we finally get back. I'll help her around the house when we're not house/job hunting. Cleaning, cooking, etc. and really give her a bit of a break. Family dinners a few times a week. Spending time at my grandparents pool. And Adrian gets a good chance to get close to my family before she commits to being a part of it for life. Although I doubt anything could change her mind at this point.

We've been through some rocky shit the last 11 months (our anniversary was yesterday). I came out here at a point in both of our lives when shit was craazy!!! But we've managed to make it quite a long way. There have been some fights, some disagreements, and many late nights, but I think, considering what we've been through, that we've done pretty well. And getting home is only going to make it easier because we'll have support. She's made friends with some of my friends, who are now her friends and therefore our friends! She loves my mom and step dad and they are very fond of her in return. And she loves me. Like no one else has loved me in the past. Good, bad, and oh so ugly she's never even contemplated walking away. She's faithful and reliable and although she's had some personal family issues she's never put our family aside to deal with them. We face everything hand in hand, for the most part, and at the end of the day I know that I have someone who cherishes me for me, not for who she wants me to be.

And that's a lot more than most married couples can even say about themselves.

We both have some things we want to change in our lives but for the most part the support is there. I support her changes and she supports mine. And we know that 5, 10, 15 years from now we'll be better and healthier for the choices we're making. I just know anyone else would have given up on me by now. With my health the way it is and my pain turned into anger she has had more than one, more than five chances where if she had walked away no one would have blamed her. She has gotten the worst of me unfortunately and still loves me regardless. I hope to be able to finally show her the best of me once I can get back to my roots and my medications.

We have some bumps ahead of us but who doesn't? As long as we are next to each other we can take the force of those bumps head on. Bad days, good days, a commitment means all of it. And I know, if nothing else, she's committed.

I can't wait to be home and show her why I've missed it so much. I know she'll love it and be able to make a beautiful life for herself, and for us, once we just get there. Packing, oil change, alignment, trailer.... these are the things we need to do in the next few weeks. I've waited 11 months now to start heading home.... another few weeks won't kill me.