Reality

Dark
Desolate
Empty
Black

These are the corners are my heart

Alone
Solitude
Fear
Pain

These are the things that I see

Breath
Sleep
Dreams
Life

These are the things I wish I could stop

Emergency Services

This past week has been like a big dream for the most part. I came into the ER last Saturday/Sunday (I don't even remember what day it was), to be admitted and taken into colonoscopy. Fairly typical procedure. With Crohn's I've probably had like 15+ in the past few years. So the colonoscopy was no big deal.

However - I woke up in ICU.

I don't remember much about anything that happened in the interim. Read Adrian's note for that part. I just know I was, and still am, a little in shock. I always said I never wanted a bag. They terified me. They are unsanitary and gross. I've heard horror stories and to wake up with one, without knowing about it before hand, and never wanted one. The first few days were a complete blur. The ICU is a total different story. It's like one on one care from the nurses. But the pain medications weren't working. Adrian's mom flew in to be with us. Once I was moved into regular care the frequency of nurses went down but I was also given regular diet and the ability to walk around a bit. Some freedoms.

But I'm still getting used to this whole "bag" thing. Right now I have a zipper from below my ribcage to below my belly button. I have an ileyostomy (?) bag and a drain on the other side. The drain should be removed sometime soon and the bag is, thankfully, reversible. I have to find a way to see doctors and surgeons but then in about six months I can have it reversed. I will always be missing most of my colon but perhaps in the long run that will be a good thing - less place to infect??

I don't have much energy to write much. My mind and my nerves are still a little crazy. Adrian has been busting her ass to try to get our new home ready for me to come home to. It's very sweet and she's very attentive and worried about me.

I am looking at my future now. I think I may be changing my future. I'm not sure my body can handle the stress of the legal field - not just in the schooling but in practicing as well. I'm looking into truly starting my Doctoral program in August.... here in Florida. I have a few small "from home" jobs I can do and the doctors here are contemplating putting me back on temporary disability...... It's just all so much.

My first big surgery, first resectioning, first emergency surgery.............. first time meeting Adrian's mom... first time moving into our new home!!

Like I said - I'm not even sure I'm processing feelings or emotions right now so I'm sorry if this is jumbled at all. I'll write more later when it all makes more sense to me.

Lifelong Decisions

Making decisions is never easy. Making a large decision is even harder. Making a decision that could potentially change the course of your entire future is devastatingly scary.

We're staying in Florida to finish some business. We need to handle some things surrounding Adrian's case, and in the meantime we're starting a life here. When and if we decide to go back to California it will be a calculated decision involving homes and hopefully jobs before we get there, and a u-haul, so we don't have to leave everything behind again.

Because of this we've got a beautiful home here in Sanford, Florida. It's a two bedroom, two bath, mostly tile, with a huge kitchen. It's already painted in pale, homey colors, and the fixtures in the home are absolutely beautiful. There's a wonderful screened in porch outside (to keep the mosquitoes away) that overlooks a lake. The pups seems to love it here and we've even got a new tortoise who will live outside on the patio. We have absolutely nothing to put into this beautiful home right now but we're making plans. And the greatest thing about it all is that whatever we put into this home Adrian and I will have purchased and decided on together. I won't be living in a home with things she bought before we got together. It will truly be ours, the entire thing.

Staying here in Florida and deciding to really live here, instead of stay here, has brought up a few things. Right now I've decided not to go to law school. Ultimately I need to go to school in the state I plan on taking the bar in. Now if I were to get my law degree here in Florida I could move back to California and take the bar there, and thus practice there, but I think I'm kind of burnt on the legal system. I see how Adrian's been treated and although I know I would be a different type of lawyer, I'd be working with cutthroat, disgusting people who are only in the profession for the financial security. That's not why I wanted to do law. I wanted to make a difference. And I may still end up getting into government at some time in the future but I don't have to have a law degree to do that.

Right now doing clinical psychology sounds absolutely fantastic to me. I have always wanted to make a difference and I'm not sure I can do that in law anymore. I love things like behavioral therapy and helping people who have OCD that controls their life. I would also love to work with married couples in MFT or children with art, play or music therapy. I feel like I could truly be satisfied there. It excites me.

For this reason I've reevaluated my educational career. I have my Master's Degree now and I'm very proud of myself. But to do clinical psychology I need either a Master's or a Doctorate in Psychology. I'm going to look into things to see if the FAFSA covers a second Master's but I'm not hopeful. I know from personal experience that it doesn't cover a second Bachelor's so I'm thinking they won't cover it for the same reasons. Now, with my medical condition I may be able to try to spin it that I can't do law anymore and then it would cover a second degree. But I don't know how difficult that would be or even if they would accept my proposal. If I can't get a second Master's degree covered by FAFSA then I'm looking into getting my Doctorate in general psychology so that I can get licensed to practice. This is a huge decision.

I don't want to wait indefinitely to start school. If I decide to do this I will be putting in my application at University of Central Florida (UCF) by February. Should I get accepted school starts in August. Here's where the decision comes in - if I start at UCF I want to finish at UCF. This is a five year program. So not only am I making the decision to potentially get my Doctorate, I'm also making the decision to stay in Florida for at least five years.

Suzi and I have talked about doing this together. Honestly, that's one of the biggest reasons I'm even considering my Doctorate. I don't know that I could do it all by myself - the idea of a doctoral thesis has always terrified me. But doing it alongside of one of my best friends would give me a sense of support and motivation. Suzi and I have talked about opening our own practice. Should we get our Doctorate's together and decide to go into business together then I'm staying in Florida.... for a lot longer than five years. Florida would become my new home. And that is an even bigger decision.

I have family and most of my friends in California. Moving to Florida does not mean that I'll never see them again. If anything, working in my own business and being able to potentially make $100+ an hour, I'd be able to visit whenever I wanted. This is a complete 180 from what I ever thought I'd do. I'm a California girl. I fully expected to live, raise a family, and die in California. When I moved to Florida I hated it - which only made me feel like I should be in California more. Then I moved here to the Orlando area and Sanford/Lake Mary. It's absolutely beautiful, about 10-15 degrees cooler, and it's just "homey."

I could actually see living here. I could see raising children here. There are a lot of benefits to Florida. The biggest negative is being so far from my core family and friends. It's scary but I have to do what's best for me and my life - of course I'm not 100% sure what that is right now.

If I decide to do this I have to make the decision soon. If I'm going to do this I need to start getting letters of recommendation for my application to UCF. There's no guarantee that I'll get into UCF so if I really want to do this then I need to make sure my application is amazing. The application deadline is in February which is five months from now, but that's not really that long in the grand scheme of things. So my pros/cons list starts. Family versus career. More of a possibility to buy a home here. There's a Florida Child College fund here - which would be great when we decide to have children. But holiday's would be very different from what I'm used to and what I love. Sure I'd make new friends, and keep my old ones, but that is even a bit scary for me.

Florida versus California. What is truly the best option for me, for us, for our future? This is the grand decision I'm in the midst of right now.

Florida..... For Now

So the plans to move to California are being put on a hiatus for a while. Of course that will always be home to me and I hope to get back there one day. Right now there are too many things happening here that require us to stay here.

Adrian was involved in some family legal drama that needs to be resolved. The state of Florida is ridiculously ludicrous when it comes to old people rules and apparently, in this state, one was broken. Although its lame and there's no evidence. We took a 'plea' because the lawyer informed us we'd definitely be able to move. She lied. We can't move right now and I'm pretty sure the universe is telling us we need to stay here. We will be suing the lawyer and going back to court to overturn the conviction. Then we can come and go and live wherever we want to. THAT is worth staying anywhere for however long is necessary.

Also, I'm in the midst of my disability case. Moving constantly is only going to prolong it. Right now I need to focus on trying to find a somewhat regular doctor. Thankfully, here in Seminole County that seems like it might be doable. There's a health center that caters to low income here. And it's not government run. SO it should be no problem to get in. I cancelled my appointment because I thought we'd be moving. So that will be put back into place.

Now we're just house hunting. It sucks and I hate it but it needs to be done. We both want to have things again. I am by no means a materialistic person but we sold everything in preparation for our move. And now we have the clothes we brought and that's about it. We're sleeping on a borrowed bed and living out of bags. The pups have their crate but that's about the only thing we brought....

We have big plans. We know what we want furniture wise. Thankfully we both have very similar taste. We are going to build a life here and plan the move better next time. And we'll be bringing our life with us instead of selling it all just to get home. It just seems like a more viable option. Of course I'd rather be home - I miss my family and my familiarity. But this area of Florida is beautiful and I am comfortable here. I have my Suzi and we're making more friends. We will make the best of this and good things will come from being here in Florida.

I am more in love with Adrian every day. Her strength through all of this is astounding. I am so thankful to have someone who faces every day head on. It would have been easy for her to wallow in self pity and hide under the covers. And of course there were those days. But in the long run she's gotten up and fought every day. And we will continue to fight together. This situation, although not ideal, was one of the reasons we were brought together and has definitely made us stronger. We had to learn to communicate where other couples flounder. Of course we're not perfect but we're getting better every day. We have learned to be strong for each other and when both of us feel low we try to keep each other up anyway. Never before would I have envisioned myself coming to Florida, let alone staying here. But there isn't another option. My place is beside her and that is where I will stay.

The universe will bring me home, when it is time. Until then, I will make this my home and will manifest amazing things while I'm here.

The Institution of Marriage

Or whatever it is we're allowed to call it.

Florida doesn't acknowledge same-sex relationships. Which is fine because we won't be here much longer! But California does. They have a Domestic Partner Registry. I always assumed it would be similar to marriage: go to the courthouse, have a registrar witness everything, official seals, etc. Nope, you sign a paper, have it notarized, send in a fee and *VOILA* you're registered Domestic Partners.

We were really bummed about not being able to get married this month. Life as it is probably won't allow us to get to California by the 31st. And at this point even if we did everything would be so crazy that moving in, signing a lease, and getting married in the same week just seemed ridiculous. So we moved the date to September 11th, one year after Adrian proposed. So it's still a great date. We're excited to say the least.

Adrian was looking online yesterday when she found the information about Domestic Partners. We called a notary in California and gave her the scenario and asked if we could have someone in Florida notarize it. She said YES! So we're going down today to sign our papers to become registered Domestic Partners in California. The paperwork will probably be completed before we even get there!

Funny thing is (and we didn't even realize this yesterday) when we initially were looking at dates for the wedding we first wanted July 17th... it would have been our 13 month anniversary and the 17th is always a special date for us. But the Sacramento Rose Garden didn't have that date available. Funny how we're signing papers now on July 17th.

It's ironic sometimes how life works out.

I felt my positivity shift yesterday. We had both been so down and stressed about everything but I woke up and it was like *bam* I just felt this overwhelming urge to be positive. And I have been, and will be. I have a feeling we'll be heading home very soon.

And when we get there we'll already be "married".... or whatever we're allowed to call it these days.

Oh What I've Missed

Every once in a while I look at something or think about something that kinda tugs at my heart strings. This happened tonight.

I was looking at my best friends birthday party invitation for her 30th birthday. And I began to realize how much I've missed over the last year:

Joeldon's Christening
Gavin's Birthday
Thea's Birthday
Laurie's Birthday
Erinn's Birthday and subsequent party
Howie going 100% digital

Holidays with family and friends.... numerous Second Saturday walks, BBQ's, days at the river... all of it.

I see posts on Facebook and I long to throw on my bathing suit and drive out to the river. I see the plans of an "epic evening" and know I'd give anything to be in California 3 days from now... but I know that will never happen. I have to roll with the punches and see where life takes me.

Of course missing things comes with gaining things as well. I have a love, a fiancee, a new home (to move into soon) and a wedding to plan. I have new babies and while I can't imagine my life without any of these things sometimes I wish I hadn't missed so much.

These are nights and times and memories that I'll never get back. Of course I'll make new memories on new nights. But that doesn't make the "missing" of the things I missed any less hard to bare.

I'll be home soon.

Oh The Inhumanity!!!

So our wedding got thrown off track and the drama that ensued made me almost want to get eloped. It really shouldn't be this hard. It's a wedding. A party. A celebration of love. WHY then must it be so damned difficult?

Sacramento Parks & Rec screwed up our application. Okay. No biggie. I mean I can still run through the park and get pics right? I mean who says the pictures only have to be take at the ceremony/reception site? I'm seriously contemplating putting my whole wedding party in vans or cars and going to cool places in Sacramento: the rose garden; the rainbow art piece at 16th and Q, the park in the same block, the capital building.... just neat pretty places. Why can't I have a bunch of randomness? That is if my photographer and wedding party is up for the running!

So we try to move the date. Not to close at this point because frankly the mess up is going to benefit us somehow. So we'll move it to September. It's when Adrian proposed and it just seems to make the most sense. But then people can't come! It's the beginning of the school semester. It's one of the busiest days in retail. There's a family reunion planned on a mountain top. Someone is going out of town here or has another wedding planned somewhere else.

STOP!

If you can't come, you can't come! I'm sorry but with a wedding party of close to 15 and a guest list of 80 there's NO WAY we're going to be able to please everyone. So we pick 9/11 - the one year anniversary of Adrian's proposal. Then, someone who's not even COMING to the wedding, makes some comment about this being a sad day and we probably shouldn't pick it.

I'm sorry to be inconsiderate but 9 years ago 9/11 was a tragic day. And I'm sure that for some people, especially those who lost loved ones, it will always be a tragic remembrance. But I'm not one of those people. There will be memorials, sure. And some people will mourn the loss of loved ones. But I didn't loose anything that day 9 years ago and 1 year ago on that same day I was proposed to. SO that day has more positives for me than negatives so why shouldn't I schedule my wedding on that day - just because there is someone, somewhere, crying over something??

For a minute I wanted to elope. For another minute I thought maybe we just weren't supposed to get married. I just want to have a fun night with the people I love. I couldn't really care less about what day it is but the 11th just happened to fall on a Saturday.

So we set it. Take it or leave it. Come or don't come. I'm so damned frustrated with the whole thing it's absolutely ridiculous. We have the things we're planning and although I'm still stressing over finances that's a norm for me so I'm used to it. I always want to get away with spending the least amount possible but I have to give in for the sake of the wedding. And I will..... especially once we get moved and settled and I see that we're fine financially.

But for right now I'm not doing much wedding wise. I'll get fabric with Suzi, probably when she gets here. Maybe we can even finish making my dress before we move, who knows. I'll make bouquets and find bracelets once I'm back home. Until then, other than deposits, there's not much I can really do. Except focus my energy on getting us home for the least amount of money possible.

So the wedding energy is being put on hold. I can resume it whenever I want. For now I'm focusing on getting us out of here and my personal statement. These are what I believe are the two most important things right now.

California Bound..... Soon

Just as the weather becomes a bit more tolerable here in Florida we're planning to head out. Worst case scenario we should know by Friday what's going on and so far we've only heard that it looks promising. Here's to heading home!

Yesterday was great. Adi helped with the cooking/grilling and it was amazing! I had time to finish side dishes and clean the kitchen while I did it. Everything went so smooth. Plus it makes her feel accomplished which is good for anyone. I think we're going to grill more. While we're here anyway. Once we move she's agreed to let me teach her how to cook. Then she can make me a yummy candlelight dinner one night! I'm excited to teach her.

The house is pretty much in shambles but overall it's not that bad really. Boxes are everywhere but I'm going to start packing the trunk tonight. For such a small car we really have a lot of room. I'll start with stuff we really don't need. It'll make it that much easier to bounce once we know we can. The anticipation is killing me but I'm trying not to focus on it too much. We can't keep living like we're leaving tomorrow, even tough we very well may be.

We've bought some groceries recently. I think the final purchase we'll make is a small cooler. I don't really want EVERYTHING we bought to go to waste. We can have munchies for the car and some stuff to maybe save some money in the evenings. The less we eat out the better.

Jodi is going to call me today and get the money for the deposit/holding on our new home. Our official move date is the 24th right now. There's a small chance we may be ready before then and if the house is ready, and we have the funds, we'll move in early. I'm so excited to have our own place. We don't have much to furnish it with right away but we'll get there. Just to be able to keep it clean better is exciting me. To have a dishwasher again is an amazing feeling. Oh and a washer/dryer. Thank you for modern technology and finally having it in my home again. That and hardwood versus outside tile inside is going to make Sara a very happy person.

I'm finishing up my personal statement today. I have some great suggestions from friends that have really put me in the right frame of mind. I'm pretty sure that's the last thing I need to do to start my applications to law schools. If I remember correctly I get like 12 free from LSAC, which is nice because apps can cost $50 or more each. If I have to end up paying out of pocket for them it's going to have to wait. Moving is more important at this point. I'm hoping my graduate work will put me over the top. Law school still pulls me, even if I don't want to do criminal law anymore. I think entertainment law is flashy and fascinating. I can write million dollar contracts, take my 30%, and be set for a long while :) Do a few of those a year, get my name and reputation built up, and we'll be buying a home before you know it.

Who knows what will happen really. Most people say they enter law school with one plan in mind and find something completely different that interests them. I'm open to the idea but will see where life takes me. Adi's looking into nutrition and car stuff. Nutrition interests me but the car stuff is all her. I just want her to be happy doing whatever it is she decides to do. Happiness will make our home amazing, especially once we're settled in and decorated!

We have a few things to tie up today. But mostly we'll just be hanging out. Packing the trunk has to wait til a bit later when the "spy" isn't outside. I can't wait to tell our landlord off. And get on the road. That will make my week. Send me all the positives you can muster. I'm excited to be a Californian again!

And Now We Wait to Wait

So it's Saturday now. This means, due to the lovely three day weekend, that the soonest we'll hear anything is Tuesday. So we wait. To potentially be told on Tuesday there's more waiting to be done.

I'm loosing my mind. I will run out of my medications in a few weeks. I only got a 30 day supply. Sure, I have an apt on July 6th so I have the potential of getting most of them filled. And I'm going to try for pain management too. I'd just like to be under steady care, with steady doctors, and refills I know I can count on.

We're living out of boxes. Literally. Being here a bit longer gives us a chance to sell a bit more but it also costs us more to live here. Every day we're paying more in food, bills, etc just to be here. Another $176 this morning just to keep the cable on. Which I need for classes. I'd like to have cable in California. Now please.

I''m looking into law schools again. My law degree is technically a Doctorate and since financial aid will probably only cover one of those, and I don't need a doctorate in Psychology to do what I want to do, I've decided to go back to law. I may not want to do criminal stuff anymore but Entertainment Law really interests me. It's contracts but it's high dollar, fast paced, exciting. I could also do family law or corporate law and be just as happy.

So my next step is my Personal Letter. My life and accomplishments melded down into 3 maybe 4 pages. Something that will make me stand out to an acceptance board with my mediocre LSAT score and GPA. Something that says "This girl has determination and drive and can do anything she sets her mind out to do" instead of "Wow, what a poor life this girl has had." I'm open to suggestions.

Beyond that I don't know much right now. When I'm done with my law degree maybe I'll go right into practice, maybe I'll get my psychology license. I'm really into the behavioral therapy stuff; curing OCD's and integrative behavioral techniques. Systematic desensitization has always been my favorite. I'm all about exposure to things that scare you. It's a BDSM kinda kink I think. Who knows.

My life as so many tendrils right now. So many things waiting to take off. And so many things tethering me to the ground. I want nothing more than to pick up and run home to the safety of everything I know.

Instead, I sit here waiting, expecting to be told to wait some more.

Ramble, Rumble, Toil and Trumble

Did you know that waiting causes anxiety, which can cause anger, or depression, which can literally kill you? Or make you sick enough that you want to die?

Yea waiting is killing me.

We look at our phones all day. We wait for the phone to ring that one time that seals our fate. It's such a small thing that controls such a large part of our lives. And we have no control over when it comes.

We are hopeful, although we have a back up plan just in case. We can move to Nevada with no issues (almost) so if Cali doesn't work for some reason we can move with her mom in Las Vegas. It's not home but it's a hell of a lot closer. But even then, we still have to wait.

We've been pulling through. Both of us are continuously on edge. We slept on and off until around 5pm yesterday cause once 5 hits we're pretty sure we're not hearing anything. It's like our entire days are on hold until we hear, or until 5pm. Whichever comes sooner. So I'm trying to focus on homework, and trying to help her keep up with hers. And we just wait some more.

I got an email yesterday from my advisor at UOP. My LAST CLASS starts on 7/20/2010. Six weeks past that I will officially be a Master's Degree holder. And I'm still not sure what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I passed the CBEST almost 2 years ago now so I'm sure it's still valid. IDK if I have the paper anywhere but I'm sure I'm in some registry somewhere. So I can substitute teach. I can work for UOP if they have anything available. Teaching scares the bejeebers out of me but it's something I can get into fairly easy (I believe). I'd love an office job or something like that but we've only got the one car right now. Assuming Adi will get a job fairly quickly she'll need the car. UOP would allow me to work evenings and even if I had to take transit TO work  Adi could pick me up. There's also an option to watch some of my nieces and nephews to help out. The payment is still up in the air exactly... It's really going to depend on what Adi can find. If she can find something where we don't need much supplement than I'd much rather watch my babies. If we need the extra income then I have no choice but to go back to work - health ready or not.

I also need to decide what I'm doing with my schooling. I could continue on at some online college and get my Ph.D. in Psychology (I don't think I want a Ph.D. in Criminal Justice). Or I can get applying to law schools. As much as I think the Psych option is a good road, I'm concerned if I go to Ph.D. level and decide later I want my law degree then I'll be screwed for financial aid. I know I don't want to do criminal law anymore. It makes my tummy turn. So I'm looking at corporate, family, or entertainment law. I think entertainment law could be flashy and fun, if I was good at it. Working with big celebs, running contracts with more zero's than I could ever imagine, and taking my measly 20% attorney's fee at the end! lol. Mostly I'm sure it's a pipe dream but it keeps me busy for now. I think that may be what I do.

Unless I'm not going to have a car which virtually means I have to do something online. I can just do JCC classes online... keep my loans in deferment. So much hinders on these little things. Little things I have no control over.

So I wait. I take loads out to the dumpster at night when our landlord's "spies" aren't around. He's loosing people left and right because this place just isn't WORTH the $630 in rent he charges. It's a dinky 1/1 with no dishwasher, no garbage disposal, no washer, no dryer.... things are falling apart and there's OUTSIDE tile inside which pretty much means unless I pressure wash it, it's not getting clean. So I feel like we constantly are dirty (when really we're not). He's loosing at least two homes this week, maybe more. People are finding 2/1 and even 2/2's around here for the same price or LESS. I'm not sure what he's thinking. But every time I see him driving around his Escalade, or one of the other 3 flashy cars he has, I can't help but think he's just in it for the money.

Scumbag.

So that's my nutty life in it's nutty nutshell right now.

I'm just a squirrel, tryin' ta get a nut, so what's up?

Down To The Wire

With the help of my bestie I went over my budget again. I'm so glad she's amazing about looking at things. It always helps, in my opinion, to have another set of eyes too. My mind was so jumbled last night that I was just seeing a bunch of numbers coalesce together and it looked more like alphabet soup than a budget to me.

Provided we can get the hell outta dodge next week we'll be okay. We'll be tight... and potentially sleeping on a borrowed air mattress for a while... but we'll be okay. And with projected income we'll have just barely enough for August's rent as well. We might have to talk to the complex and pay a small portion of it towards the middle of the month but that's okay. Adrian's loans come again at the end of August and we're planning on paying at least two months of rent to help us get ahead.... finally.

So the next few months are really tight. Healthy eating won't happen right away because, let's face it, healthy does not equal cheap. We'll be staying with my mom, or friends, until closer to the end of July. We'd wait even longer but people coming in for the wedding from out of state are looking to stay with us and if they can't, with the cost of plane tickets and a hotel room, people may start dropping off again. And we don't want that.

Staying with my mom makes it harder to get employment. Driving to Sacramento from the East Bay is fine for an interview or two, but if work must be started then we'd have to be in Sacramento. The positive with staying with my mom is that we'd put less out to live. Sure, I can probably stay with a friend "rent free" but there's food and utilities and just helping out that I'd feel I needed to do because my friends aren't much better off than we are. So I'm weighing those options as we look at things.

Of course the budget will change as we go cross country. I'll eat as little as possible because my tummy doesn't really like to eat and drive anyway. I'm going to try to push it with Adrian and the animals to do 12 hours of driving per day instead of the projected 9. I think that might help us save some time in hotels. I don't know many people along the way or I'd try to stay with friends more. But perhaps we can still stay with my brother the night before we get to California. That saves us at least one hotel room.....

Gas for the trip, according to a trip calculator, is roughly $300. It's 1 day, 22 hours worth of driving. Split into 12 hour days that's 2 MAYBE 3 nights in hotels. Say $75 a night and now our trip total is $525. Add food and if we're careful we can probably do it for $600-$650 total. That's not too bad for a cross country trip! We're also projecting $800 to be safe so if we could be under budget that would just help us out more when we got there.

Of course we'll be hitting McDonald's if we meet Suzi mid-country to say good bye to her.

But you make it work.

I had initially wanted Suzi to make my wedding dress and use my mom's dress in parts to create an all new dress that was "me." Unfortunately I'm not sure that can happen. I'm still going to look into fabrics and maybe I can find a store that has something pretty and red on sale... although I'm guessing regular satin probably doesn't go on sale often. I only need 5 yards.. and a zipper... But if I can't make it work then I still do have my mama's dress. It's not my ideal dress but it's still cute. It fits and would work for what it needs to work for.

We also have a few more things we're trying to sell here. Not too much but if we could sell it all we're looking at maybe another $200 or so. And at this point every little bit helps.

I have a "rewards" card through Chase and I've earned what amounts to about $50 in gas cards. I think I'll redeem those if I can get them here in time. Otherwise I'll redeem them for something else and have them sent to my mom's house so we can use them towards a bed or bills or something.

Moving cross country is stressful enough. Moving, to a new place for Adrian, with health issues, five animals, and getting married all in the same month is ludicrous. But as my bestie said "you don't do anything small do you?"

Go big or go home... I guess.

I'm So Excited, And I Just Can't Hide It

Okay so we were waiting on a few things before we could hit the road. Some I can mention here some are more personal and therefore will stay that way. We were going to be waiting for our application for The Arbors to hit as well but we can always do that on the road. We have places to stay if need be.

SOOOOO our money came in today. Now it's all about getting things shipped, sold, freecycled, and thrown away so that we can actually hit the road, hopefully within the next week. I feel like we have been hit by mack truck after mack truck and it's about time we hit that open road and avoid all the trucks we can! We've got one hell of a trip ahead of us but the anticipation will get us through.

I am starting the process hardcore today. Shipping and tapping boxes, getting furniture ready to be picked up, cleaning, prepping, etc. When we get our final piece of news we're going to have a day, maybe two, before we hit the road. And in that time we are going to try to sell a bed frame, night stand, queen mattress, queen boxspring, small dog crate and perhaps a few other things. We'll be freecycling or donating any food that is unopened and not going with us. Of course if we can't sell it we'll freecycle it all but every extra penny counts. And we have to be careful and not go all willy-nilly now and keep as much as we can.

My heart is racing a mile a minute. I still kind of want to do invitations but I've gotta find a cheap, easy way to get them done. I'm also going to be pricing out just printing what's needed at the local print shop instead of buying the ink for our printer. Cause then I can sell that too! I think I can get it all done. Either that or I'm way too ambitious and ridiculous feeling like Super Woman this morning.

Today:
Packing
Organizing
Listing on Craigslist (Duvets, small dog crate, bookshelves)

The Rest of the Week:
Shipping
More Packing
More Selling

Hopefully getting on the road!

Pray, light a candle, say a prayer, cast a spell. CALI HERE WE COME!

The Verdict Is In

Four nights, five days in a hospital. Not exactly my idea of a great vacation. Laying in hospital white covered in a hospital gown worn by who knows how many vagrants, lepers, or just other chronically sick people. Everything smells like mild bleach and regurgitated meatloaf. Sleeping is nearly impossible without the morphine because inevitably you have a roommate who is a hypochondriac, drug addict, thinks there are ants in the corner, or doesn't know the loudness of her own voice. Next time I'd like a brain dead roommate. One with no family so there are no visitors. And the phone will never ring. Or my own room.... that'd be nice.

At least they allowed me to eat. The bagged salad that comes from the dollar store with "steak" or "chicken cordon bleu." All made out to sound like restaurant finding but no better than my dog could make on her own. The only truly safe thing was cereal in the morning cause you can't fuck up pre-packaged Kelloggs cereal. The constant blood pressure readings and needles for blood tests is no fun either. Why can't they just take it out of the vein they've already punctured?? Pretty sure my blood is the same throughout my body. But protocol is just that, and the nurses just follow orders.

Getting strapped in for hosing from top to bottom is no fun. Lay on your side. Essentially a puppy pad under your ass. Bite on this plastic ring to keep your mouth open while you're out. Strapped in like an insane person ready for the electric shock therapy. All the while praying for the anesthetic to put me out of my embarrassing agony. I wake up in the holding room I started in. Everything is bleak and bright but I made it. I got out with no perforations or complications. No emergency surgery. Rolled back to my room like the invalid I am and placed back on my hospital bed to await a doctor to tell me the news. Of course he has a million other things to process and I'm no where on his priority list so I don't see him for hours.

Then he comes.

Multiple ulcers, strictures, and polyps. My appendix looks like it's fused to my colon. Well there's that side pain I've been feeling. I find out the doctor had to blow a balloon up my ass just to get the garden hose through. Well no wonder I can't eat without pain. If his hose couldn't get through that chicken I had for dinner last night isn't going to have much more luck. And I can't hand Mr. Chicken a balloon to help him on his journey.

A year without medial coverage: who knew.

Health is something the healthy take for granted. You can see a doctor whenever you want but no one does until they get sick. A cough for the general public means a trip to the doctors and some quick antibiotics to ensure that the ouchies go away. For me, I have to fight for my health. All the while my body is slowly dying inside because no one wants to make me better because I don't have health care. And the conservatives in our country think there's nothing wrong with our system..... But that's because they are on the naive side and only see the doctor when there's something wrong. And if there was something severely wrong they would get help, because they're not me.

I work. I pay taxes. I contribute to this "land of the free and home of the brave" just like any other citizen. So why don't I get treated like everyone else just because I don't have the money that other people do? And I'm not the only one in this situation. I am by no means the only person struggling to physically stay alive while also struggling financially to stay afloat in a tormented river with no paddles and no life jackets. There are hundreds, thousands, millions of us out there, slowly dying inside due to the lack of funding that we have. And the government shows us no support. Sure, my taxes go into paying for Medicade but do I qualify for it in my condition? And I help to support welfare mother's and children everywhere but can I get any of that assistance back?? Certainly not. I am actually bettering my life so I can't get the hand up that I need. My schooling alone make me disqualified for a lot of assistance because "well if you can pay for school...." Difference is I CAN'T. I have loans that help.

But perhaps I would have been better not working towards my Master's degree and just living off "the man" for the rest of my life.

I just wish this world, this country, made some sense sometimes.

I Think I Can... I Think I Can

So this hospital visit has been eye opening. I thought I could handle not having medical coverage for a while. I'm a strong woman and I have a high pain tolerance. I thought just sticking through it would be okay. I mean, I got love out of it, that makes it worth it right? To some extent it does but to the extent that I truly put my health on the line doesn't. I need to start looking out for me.

Things I Must Start Doing
- Working Out. Even if it's just walking around the block. And when we move we'll have a gym so that will make it a bit easier.
-- Drinking more water. The hospital gave me a pretty nice cup that has a straw and everything that I will be using for water. I'm up to about three of these a day and I think they are 32 oz cups? I think that's a pretty damn good start.
-- Eating better. This is going to be a tad bit difficult while we're here because we literally have NO counter space. But I have to make it work somehow. But when we move it will be a piece of cake. I love to cook and it actually makes me happy. I turn on some music in the kitchen and dance around while I'm cooking. I don't even feel the pain. So I'm going to focus on that.
-- Relieve my stress. Financially and otherwise. Once my Master's Degree is complete I'm going to apply for a teaching job for University of Phoenix online. I'm hoping they'll accept me and I can work from home. That will also give me time to potentially help with a few of my friends children during the day for extra income. We can pay our bills without being paycheck to paycheck and have some to put into savings. Having a bigger house will help too. Even though it may be more space to clean the pups can roam around and it will actually be easier to clean because of the hardwood floors as opposed to the outside tile we have now. I can relax in my back yard and enjoy the sunshine of California very soon. Exercising will help and I'm getting back into The Secret, yoga, pilates, or some combination of the three.
-- Get my meds back. This is a huge start here at this hospital. Then I'll jump on CMISP the minute we get back. That may take a few weeks but hopefully with the test results I'm going to try to get from here they'll be able to push it through a bit quicker. Just gotta get home first!

So now we're just waiting on the go ahead. Adrian looked into shipping some of our boxes instead of getting a trailer. That will save us the trailer and registration costs. Not to mention some fueling coming cross country because we won't have to pull the trailer. We've already looked into a bed for when we move and for what I want, mattress and bed frame, we're looking at less than $800 for the whole thing. And it'll be comfy! We're cutting costs with the wedding so that is going to help. But we're still going to have a BLAST.

I am finally looking forward to coming home with everything I have. Facing what still needs to be done with better health is truly helping the situation. All I need is to get myself back on track and everything will follow suit.

I think I can, I think I can............... I know I can!

Broken. Bruised. Uncertain.

She hangs onto tomorrow with the promises of today
She has planned out forever and built the house of her dreams in her head.
White picket fences and pretty trees out front.
The large bay window to show off her Christmas tree later this year.
But these promises are like all the other ones before.

Broken.
Bruised.
Uncertain.

As her tears fall and she is drowned in the sorrows of today
She realizes that broken is all she will ever be
Bruised is something that happens all too easily
And nothing in this life will ever be certain
But the promises.... they keep her hanging onto

Broken.
Bruised.
Uncertain.

One day.... she'll get it right
One day.... perhaps she will choose the right path.
One day....
One day....

Even after all that she'll still remain

Broken.
Bruised.
Uncertain.

Getting Older the Older I Get

So lately I've been waking up feeling miserable. The base of my neck is sore. My lower back feels broken. My biceps feel like I lifted weights the day before even when I do no heavy lifting, or lifting of any kind for that matter. I feel stiff as a board when I wake up and it takes a while for everything to settle down and go away.

I know online diagnosis are not the way to go. But in this technology age it's hard to not try to look things up when something's wrong. Only problem is with my issues I'm getting nothing. I wish something would pop up so I can at least feel like - oh maybe that's it?? I just wish I could see a doctor over it.

Moving day is still unknown. Hopefully we'll get the go ahead in the next 30 days or sooner. It's gathering paperwork and getting everything together at this point. Just when I think I'm done with the waiting game another round begins.

If things don't significantly change when I get home I'm going to have to reevaluate my life. Something just feels..... off. Perhaps I just miss home and my support. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

For now it's hot baths and heating pads. And waiting for the next go round.

I think I'm paranoid

Nothing much has been going on but I do miss blogging.

I got word that I will be receiving my unemployment. So YAY! And I should get my loans sometime this week. Which means we've made it. We are tight and we'll stay tight cause we finally get to make moves toward moving!

We were going to buy a utility trailer online to save money. We possibly still could but I need to bounce ideas off people. Please feel free to share any here. What we'd been looking at is the open trailer. We'd toss a tarp on everything and hit the road. What I don't think we thought through was that we'll be staying at hotels every night. The paranoid person in me fears that, with no protection, we'll wake up and everything will be gone...

So now I'm thinking we need something enclosed. Something we can put a lock on and know it's secure. Only problem is I'm not sure I can find one of those for sale. To rent one from U-Haul is almost $400. We were hoping to buy one for $200 and re-sell it once we were in California. I'm just too concerned we'll loose everything.... thoughts. Ideas?

I probably have 3-4 boxes remaining to pack to get everything we're taking. We'll sell the bed and night stand at the last minute. Hell, depending on a few things we may sell the mattress too. We'll see how that goes. We should have a definite move date by the end of the week. Perhaps even the end of today. Keep the positivity flowing for us.

We hit our one year anniversary in a few days. I can't believe it's been a year already. It's been a long ride but we're about to start our uphill climb, finally. And we both deserve it.

99 Problems But A B!t@# Ain't One

GAH!!!

7 hours in an ER. 50 million calls that have to be made today to try to get me seen by someone. And our phones are shut off. We would have to come up with $300 today to get them turned back on and there's NO WAY that's gonna happen. We don't get either of our loans until at least tomorrow but that probably won't really hit until Monday. So we're phone-less until then.

We have to get our phone taken way down. This almost $400 a month is ridiculous. Now I know we have three lines with unlimited data plans but it STILL shouldn't be that expensive. When we do get the $300 I'm going to take a look at the plan. Minutes need to go down or something because we cannot pay this right now.

So today will be spent running around I suppose. I can't make the calls but the contact still needs to be made. I'm gonna let Adi sleep a little more than see if she wants to run around with me. The company would be nice. I just wanna get on the road already. Get home where we can have jobs and work and have a nice house and all that jazz. This limbo shit is making my back hurt. I wanna see how high I can go, not how low I can go.

But I guess sometimes you have to go low, hit rock bottom, before you can start to ascend again. And up from here I shall go.

I got a letter from my lawyer. Apparently, the typical waiting time from when a claim for a hearing before a judge is made to the time the actual hearing date is set is 500 days!!!! That's a year and a half. So I'll get home, probably work a bit, and see if I can go back out on temporary disability. I have gallstones and/or polyps, a mass in my colon, inflamation and infection... I'm in no condition to work right now. Of course, I could get home and start being able to be seen and go back to work and be fine. To which all of this time with the lawyer will be somewhat of a waste. Who knows what to do at this point. At the time the hearing finally happens they'd owe me almost 3 years of back pay. Even at $800 a month that's a considerable amount. Even after my lawyer fees of 30% are taken out we're looking at a decent amount. And if they have to pay me from the first day I filed temporary disability that's close to 4 years..... so perhaps it's worth it to just follow it through. Get put back on temporary no matter what it takes and get that lump sum. Worst case scenario we can have a good savings for while I'm on disability and getting better.

I guess that's something to look forward to.

That and getting home. I've pretty much packed up most of what I can. There's a little more I can do but it's mostly clothes and things that will wait until the last minute. Put a hitch on the car and put boxes on the trailer and get outta dodge! The support I'll get at home, even if everything still sucks this much, will make it mostly better. I have the most amazing friends and family and being able to lean on them will make this fight much more worthwhile.

But until then I keep playing the limbo game. How low can I go?

Ready..... Set..... Wait!

It's said that something like 1/3 of your life is spent waiting; in lines, at doctors offices, in traffic. I feel like my entire life is waiting, for one thing or another, right now.

It's been 10 business days since my Unemployment interview. I spoke with the interviewer again today. And while he said 10 days ago that employers lie, and he agreed with me today that what my previous employer told him didn't make sense, I still have to wait on the decision. Sure, he'll make it today, but determinations can't be given over the phone. So over two weeks of waiting on this and I'm still waiting. I'll keep calling every morning to see if there's a new check been sent to me.... but I still don't know what's happening with that.

Unemployment is going to determine a lot for our move. What we can take, what we can afford, if we have to stay in trashy seedy hotels or if we can go one step up. This is almost $3000 that they owe me at this point... payments since the last week of April. So maybe not $3000 but at the rate they're going that's what it's going to be. We've been tight but that would help immensely because it would come around the time of my loans. We need something good right now.

We're waiting to get the go ahead to get on the road. That is what is delaying our date choosing. Hopefully we'll know around this time next week, if not sooner, but with the way that everything just wants to drag out for us I'm starting to lose hope. I'm afraid someone is going to tell us "just a few more weeks."

My health is doing horribly. I slept with a heating pad on my stomach last night. It's the only way I could reduce the pain enough to actually fall asleep. Not safe, not a good way to sleep, but it was do that or stay up all night from the pain. I just want to be able to take the 25 pills a day that I used to bitch about! I'll never take the county system for granted ever again. Waiting at the county clinics is way better than having nothing to turn to.

Waiting on unemployment.

Waiting on loans.

Waiting on getting the pups shots and Gwen fixed. Which is waiting on me getting a hold of the county here to enroll in their program for low income. And I'm waiting on hold with them right now.

Waiting for things to come in the mail.

Waiting for the "okay."

I think after this I deserve a long time of NOT waiting. I've done my fair share to last me a good year or so I think. No more waiting! Here's to something happening!!!!

Lost in a World Full of Losers

If you learn from defeat, you haven't really lost.  ~ Zig Ziglar



How do you learn from defeat when you feel defeated. I know, from past experience, that the lesson comes in time. But how much time is too much to have to wait? At what point do you cast defeat aside, lesson or not, and just move the fuck on with life? When do you grab the coat tails and rip the jacket off just to feel the breeze that life is giving to you? 


I'm not sure. But I sure wish I knew. 


Today will consist of laundry. And cleaning. Again. Hoping for monies that are owed to me. Hoping for answers that I may not get. And wishing the sun would just rise on my side of the world for once. 


The heat and humidity of Florida are killing my spirit. The viruses inside my body are killing my soul. Dramatic? Yes. But it's how I feel. I am a shriveled up shell of the woman I used to be and DAMN IT I want to get her back.