Reality

Dark
Desolate
Empty
Black

These are the corners are my heart

Alone
Solitude
Fear
Pain

These are the things that I see

Breath
Sleep
Dreams
Life

These are the things I wish I could stop

Emergency Services

This past week has been like a big dream for the most part. I came into the ER last Saturday/Sunday (I don't even remember what day it was), to be admitted and taken into colonoscopy. Fairly typical procedure. With Crohn's I've probably had like 15+ in the past few years. So the colonoscopy was no big deal.

However - I woke up in ICU.

I don't remember much about anything that happened in the interim. Read Adrian's note for that part. I just know I was, and still am, a little in shock. I always said I never wanted a bag. They terified me. They are unsanitary and gross. I've heard horror stories and to wake up with one, without knowing about it before hand, and never wanted one. The first few days were a complete blur. The ICU is a total different story. It's like one on one care from the nurses. But the pain medications weren't working. Adrian's mom flew in to be with us. Once I was moved into regular care the frequency of nurses went down but I was also given regular diet and the ability to walk around a bit. Some freedoms.

But I'm still getting used to this whole "bag" thing. Right now I have a zipper from below my ribcage to below my belly button. I have an ileyostomy (?) bag and a drain on the other side. The drain should be removed sometime soon and the bag is, thankfully, reversible. I have to find a way to see doctors and surgeons but then in about six months I can have it reversed. I will always be missing most of my colon but perhaps in the long run that will be a good thing - less place to infect??

I don't have much energy to write much. My mind and my nerves are still a little crazy. Adrian has been busting her ass to try to get our new home ready for me to come home to. It's very sweet and she's very attentive and worried about me.

I am looking at my future now. I think I may be changing my future. I'm not sure my body can handle the stress of the legal field - not just in the schooling but in practicing as well. I'm looking into truly starting my Doctoral program in August.... here in Florida. I have a few small "from home" jobs I can do and the doctors here are contemplating putting me back on temporary disability...... It's just all so much.

My first big surgery, first resectioning, first emergency surgery.............. first time meeting Adrian's mom... first time moving into our new home!!

Like I said - I'm not even sure I'm processing feelings or emotions right now so I'm sorry if this is jumbled at all. I'll write more later when it all makes more sense to me.

Lifelong Decisions

Making decisions is never easy. Making a large decision is even harder. Making a decision that could potentially change the course of your entire future is devastatingly scary.

We're staying in Florida to finish some business. We need to handle some things surrounding Adrian's case, and in the meantime we're starting a life here. When and if we decide to go back to California it will be a calculated decision involving homes and hopefully jobs before we get there, and a u-haul, so we don't have to leave everything behind again.

Because of this we've got a beautiful home here in Sanford, Florida. It's a two bedroom, two bath, mostly tile, with a huge kitchen. It's already painted in pale, homey colors, and the fixtures in the home are absolutely beautiful. There's a wonderful screened in porch outside (to keep the mosquitoes away) that overlooks a lake. The pups seems to love it here and we've even got a new tortoise who will live outside on the patio. We have absolutely nothing to put into this beautiful home right now but we're making plans. And the greatest thing about it all is that whatever we put into this home Adrian and I will have purchased and decided on together. I won't be living in a home with things she bought before we got together. It will truly be ours, the entire thing.

Staying here in Florida and deciding to really live here, instead of stay here, has brought up a few things. Right now I've decided not to go to law school. Ultimately I need to go to school in the state I plan on taking the bar in. Now if I were to get my law degree here in Florida I could move back to California and take the bar there, and thus practice there, but I think I'm kind of burnt on the legal system. I see how Adrian's been treated and although I know I would be a different type of lawyer, I'd be working with cutthroat, disgusting people who are only in the profession for the financial security. That's not why I wanted to do law. I wanted to make a difference. And I may still end up getting into government at some time in the future but I don't have to have a law degree to do that.

Right now doing clinical psychology sounds absolutely fantastic to me. I have always wanted to make a difference and I'm not sure I can do that in law anymore. I love things like behavioral therapy and helping people who have OCD that controls their life. I would also love to work with married couples in MFT or children with art, play or music therapy. I feel like I could truly be satisfied there. It excites me.

For this reason I've reevaluated my educational career. I have my Master's Degree now and I'm very proud of myself. But to do clinical psychology I need either a Master's or a Doctorate in Psychology. I'm going to look into things to see if the FAFSA covers a second Master's but I'm not hopeful. I know from personal experience that it doesn't cover a second Bachelor's so I'm thinking they won't cover it for the same reasons. Now, with my medical condition I may be able to try to spin it that I can't do law anymore and then it would cover a second degree. But I don't know how difficult that would be or even if they would accept my proposal. If I can't get a second Master's degree covered by FAFSA then I'm looking into getting my Doctorate in general psychology so that I can get licensed to practice. This is a huge decision.

I don't want to wait indefinitely to start school. If I decide to do this I will be putting in my application at University of Central Florida (UCF) by February. Should I get accepted school starts in August. Here's where the decision comes in - if I start at UCF I want to finish at UCF. This is a five year program. So not only am I making the decision to potentially get my Doctorate, I'm also making the decision to stay in Florida for at least five years.

Suzi and I have talked about doing this together. Honestly, that's one of the biggest reasons I'm even considering my Doctorate. I don't know that I could do it all by myself - the idea of a doctoral thesis has always terrified me. But doing it alongside of one of my best friends would give me a sense of support and motivation. Suzi and I have talked about opening our own practice. Should we get our Doctorate's together and decide to go into business together then I'm staying in Florida.... for a lot longer than five years. Florida would become my new home. And that is an even bigger decision.

I have family and most of my friends in California. Moving to Florida does not mean that I'll never see them again. If anything, working in my own business and being able to potentially make $100+ an hour, I'd be able to visit whenever I wanted. This is a complete 180 from what I ever thought I'd do. I'm a California girl. I fully expected to live, raise a family, and die in California. When I moved to Florida I hated it - which only made me feel like I should be in California more. Then I moved here to the Orlando area and Sanford/Lake Mary. It's absolutely beautiful, about 10-15 degrees cooler, and it's just "homey."

I could actually see living here. I could see raising children here. There are a lot of benefits to Florida. The biggest negative is being so far from my core family and friends. It's scary but I have to do what's best for me and my life - of course I'm not 100% sure what that is right now.

If I decide to do this I have to make the decision soon. If I'm going to do this I need to start getting letters of recommendation for my application to UCF. There's no guarantee that I'll get into UCF so if I really want to do this then I need to make sure my application is amazing. The application deadline is in February which is five months from now, but that's not really that long in the grand scheme of things. So my pros/cons list starts. Family versus career. More of a possibility to buy a home here. There's a Florida Child College fund here - which would be great when we decide to have children. But holiday's would be very different from what I'm used to and what I love. Sure I'd make new friends, and keep my old ones, but that is even a bit scary for me.

Florida versus California. What is truly the best option for me, for us, for our future? This is the grand decision I'm in the midst of right now.

Florida..... For Now

So the plans to move to California are being put on a hiatus for a while. Of course that will always be home to me and I hope to get back there one day. Right now there are too many things happening here that require us to stay here.

Adrian was involved in some family legal drama that needs to be resolved. The state of Florida is ridiculously ludicrous when it comes to old people rules and apparently, in this state, one was broken. Although its lame and there's no evidence. We took a 'plea' because the lawyer informed us we'd definitely be able to move. She lied. We can't move right now and I'm pretty sure the universe is telling us we need to stay here. We will be suing the lawyer and going back to court to overturn the conviction. Then we can come and go and live wherever we want to. THAT is worth staying anywhere for however long is necessary.

Also, I'm in the midst of my disability case. Moving constantly is only going to prolong it. Right now I need to focus on trying to find a somewhat regular doctor. Thankfully, here in Seminole County that seems like it might be doable. There's a health center that caters to low income here. And it's not government run. SO it should be no problem to get in. I cancelled my appointment because I thought we'd be moving. So that will be put back into place.

Now we're just house hunting. It sucks and I hate it but it needs to be done. We both want to have things again. I am by no means a materialistic person but we sold everything in preparation for our move. And now we have the clothes we brought and that's about it. We're sleeping on a borrowed bed and living out of bags. The pups have their crate but that's about the only thing we brought....

We have big plans. We know what we want furniture wise. Thankfully we both have very similar taste. We are going to build a life here and plan the move better next time. And we'll be bringing our life with us instead of selling it all just to get home. It just seems like a more viable option. Of course I'd rather be home - I miss my family and my familiarity. But this area of Florida is beautiful and I am comfortable here. I have my Suzi and we're making more friends. We will make the best of this and good things will come from being here in Florida.

I am more in love with Adrian every day. Her strength through all of this is astounding. I am so thankful to have someone who faces every day head on. It would have been easy for her to wallow in self pity and hide under the covers. And of course there were those days. But in the long run she's gotten up and fought every day. And we will continue to fight together. This situation, although not ideal, was one of the reasons we were brought together and has definitely made us stronger. We had to learn to communicate where other couples flounder. Of course we're not perfect but we're getting better every day. We have learned to be strong for each other and when both of us feel low we try to keep each other up anyway. Never before would I have envisioned myself coming to Florida, let alone staying here. But there isn't another option. My place is beside her and that is where I will stay.

The universe will bring me home, when it is time. Until then, I will make this my home and will manifest amazing things while I'm here.

The Institution of Marriage

Or whatever it is we're allowed to call it.

Florida doesn't acknowledge same-sex relationships. Which is fine because we won't be here much longer! But California does. They have a Domestic Partner Registry. I always assumed it would be similar to marriage: go to the courthouse, have a registrar witness everything, official seals, etc. Nope, you sign a paper, have it notarized, send in a fee and *VOILA* you're registered Domestic Partners.

We were really bummed about not being able to get married this month. Life as it is probably won't allow us to get to California by the 31st. And at this point even if we did everything would be so crazy that moving in, signing a lease, and getting married in the same week just seemed ridiculous. So we moved the date to September 11th, one year after Adrian proposed. So it's still a great date. We're excited to say the least.

Adrian was looking online yesterday when she found the information about Domestic Partners. We called a notary in California and gave her the scenario and asked if we could have someone in Florida notarize it. She said YES! So we're going down today to sign our papers to become registered Domestic Partners in California. The paperwork will probably be completed before we even get there!

Funny thing is (and we didn't even realize this yesterday) when we initially were looking at dates for the wedding we first wanted July 17th... it would have been our 13 month anniversary and the 17th is always a special date for us. But the Sacramento Rose Garden didn't have that date available. Funny how we're signing papers now on July 17th.

It's ironic sometimes how life works out.

I felt my positivity shift yesterday. We had both been so down and stressed about everything but I woke up and it was like *bam* I just felt this overwhelming urge to be positive. And I have been, and will be. I have a feeling we'll be heading home very soon.

And when we get there we'll already be "married".... or whatever we're allowed to call it these days.

Oh What I've Missed

Every once in a while I look at something or think about something that kinda tugs at my heart strings. This happened tonight.

I was looking at my best friends birthday party invitation for her 30th birthday. And I began to realize how much I've missed over the last year:

Joeldon's Christening
Gavin's Birthday
Thea's Birthday
Laurie's Birthday
Erinn's Birthday and subsequent party
Howie going 100% digital

Holidays with family and friends.... numerous Second Saturday walks, BBQ's, days at the river... all of it.

I see posts on Facebook and I long to throw on my bathing suit and drive out to the river. I see the plans of an "epic evening" and know I'd give anything to be in California 3 days from now... but I know that will never happen. I have to roll with the punches and see where life takes me.

Of course missing things comes with gaining things as well. I have a love, a fiancee, a new home (to move into soon) and a wedding to plan. I have new babies and while I can't imagine my life without any of these things sometimes I wish I hadn't missed so much.

These are nights and times and memories that I'll never get back. Of course I'll make new memories on new nights. But that doesn't make the "missing" of the things I missed any less hard to bare.

I'll be home soon.

Oh The Inhumanity!!!

So our wedding got thrown off track and the drama that ensued made me almost want to get eloped. It really shouldn't be this hard. It's a wedding. A party. A celebration of love. WHY then must it be so damned difficult?

Sacramento Parks & Rec screwed up our application. Okay. No biggie. I mean I can still run through the park and get pics right? I mean who says the pictures only have to be take at the ceremony/reception site? I'm seriously contemplating putting my whole wedding party in vans or cars and going to cool places in Sacramento: the rose garden; the rainbow art piece at 16th and Q, the park in the same block, the capital building.... just neat pretty places. Why can't I have a bunch of randomness? That is if my photographer and wedding party is up for the running!

So we try to move the date. Not to close at this point because frankly the mess up is going to benefit us somehow. So we'll move it to September. It's when Adrian proposed and it just seems to make the most sense. But then people can't come! It's the beginning of the school semester. It's one of the busiest days in retail. There's a family reunion planned on a mountain top. Someone is going out of town here or has another wedding planned somewhere else.

STOP!

If you can't come, you can't come! I'm sorry but with a wedding party of close to 15 and a guest list of 80 there's NO WAY we're going to be able to please everyone. So we pick 9/11 - the one year anniversary of Adrian's proposal. Then, someone who's not even COMING to the wedding, makes some comment about this being a sad day and we probably shouldn't pick it.

I'm sorry to be inconsiderate but 9 years ago 9/11 was a tragic day. And I'm sure that for some people, especially those who lost loved ones, it will always be a tragic remembrance. But I'm not one of those people. There will be memorials, sure. And some people will mourn the loss of loved ones. But I didn't loose anything that day 9 years ago and 1 year ago on that same day I was proposed to. SO that day has more positives for me than negatives so why shouldn't I schedule my wedding on that day - just because there is someone, somewhere, crying over something??

For a minute I wanted to elope. For another minute I thought maybe we just weren't supposed to get married. I just want to have a fun night with the people I love. I couldn't really care less about what day it is but the 11th just happened to fall on a Saturday.

So we set it. Take it or leave it. Come or don't come. I'm so damned frustrated with the whole thing it's absolutely ridiculous. We have the things we're planning and although I'm still stressing over finances that's a norm for me so I'm used to it. I always want to get away with spending the least amount possible but I have to give in for the sake of the wedding. And I will..... especially once we get moved and settled and I see that we're fine financially.

But for right now I'm not doing much wedding wise. I'll get fabric with Suzi, probably when she gets here. Maybe we can even finish making my dress before we move, who knows. I'll make bouquets and find bracelets once I'm back home. Until then, other than deposits, there's not much I can really do. Except focus my energy on getting us home for the least amount of money possible.

So the wedding energy is being put on hold. I can resume it whenever I want. For now I'm focusing on getting us out of here and my personal statement. These are what I believe are the two most important things right now.